[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
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I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
🤣😂🤣
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”