ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
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CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
bad
worse
worst
worchester
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Don’t talk down to me
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back