Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
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Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”