who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list