Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
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My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs