No, YOUR illiterate.
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
These aliens are taking forever.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices