i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
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“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
How to find Kentucky on a map
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster