You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Why soy sad?
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”