Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
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If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.