I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce