I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me recordaron éste meme
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.