i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Oh. My. God.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead