Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
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If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained