Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
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Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Getting married soon just need a spouse
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?