No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”