*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
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[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Ah..makes sense now
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.