he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
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one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
😲 WTF? 😆
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
$4 #usedbooks
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.