I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.