People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.