Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
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Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
How to draw a duck
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Hmm, not sure about this change
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?