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A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.