ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
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“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”