I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
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John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”