Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
You Might Also Like
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for