#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
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My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.