“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
You Might Also Like
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
New tinder profile pic
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.