Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
thank god the sign was there
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.