*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.