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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
a fate I wish upon no one
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Choose your fighter
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.