Are you ok, human???
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October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My first child will be named New Folder.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.