I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
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me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf