Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus: