Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
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Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Great game to play with friends
Them: Just act casual
Me:
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.