People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
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COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
#polloftheday
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS