Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
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I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*