I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Solving a traffic jam
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT