Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
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im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Snapes on a plane.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Not😆🤣
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
me when the borders lift
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.