Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
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hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Hey i am sexy to you now
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.