[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.