I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them