Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
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Just a friendly reminder!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.