Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
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A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My love language is hissing.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
This meal prepping shit easy
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.