If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
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“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.