How times have changed.
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My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
All set.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.