New comic up. “Ransom”
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the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
…żyje?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
So that’s what we looked like?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?