Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
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My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container