Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
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Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.