*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
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taking June’s advice to heart
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
the official breakfast of 2021
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.