I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment