The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
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Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’